


Reasons the Paladins Are Awake at Night

by RoSH (RoSH95)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: F/M, M/M, Mentions of Sex, This is so fucking dumb, aliens think keith is a girl, mentions of Shiro/Matt, misunderstandings about keith's gender, shit the paladins get up to at night, text conversations, well he is very pretty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-03-03 18:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoSH95/pseuds/RoSH
Summary: Keith: Lance asked me what my final words would be if I were to die.Shiro: What did you tell him?Keith: “Finally.”Shiro: SAAAAAAAAME





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is less an actual story and more a series of text conversations between me and my best friend about the paladins of voltron. Because we are trash. Are you really surprised at this point?
> 
> Still funny though.
> 
> My texts are on the left, my friend's texts are on the right. The differences in sides have no other significance than that.
> 
> Have fun, losers <3

Lance: [to Shiro] Keith is the most depressed and unmotivated to live person I’ve ever met! How do you even put up with him?  
Shiro: We’re depressed and unmotivated to live together.  
Lance: … Jesus Christ you guys are  _made_  for each other and it’s disgusting.

Shiro: Kind of like you and Pidge.  
Lance: Shut up! It’s not like I lay awake at night and think about her! [later that night in bed] Uh oh.

Pidge: [crawling through the vents and sees Lance is awake] Hey Lance!  
Lance: [girly scream] HOLY FUCK PIDGE ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?!  
Pidge: Yes. But in all seriousness, the lovebirds are in Keith’s room tonight and I can hear them going at it and its traumatizing me so I’ve been exploring the ventilation system for the past four hours hoping they’ll be done when I get back. News flash: they’re not. Mind if I crash in here?  
Lance: [internal screaming] Uh…

Pidge: [drops down in bed with him] Look its your dream come true you finally have a girl in bed with you.  
Lance: Jokes on you I had like 8 siblings and we all shared 2 bedrooms so I’ve had a girl in bed with me multiple times.  
Pidge: Awww its so cute you think that helped your argument at all. [pats his cheek] I call left, I will allow spooning but keep your hands in the safe zones.  
Lance: Avoid teeth, understood.

Keith: Do you think that worked?  
Shiro: Babe, she’s probably so traumatized she won’t even sleep. Why do you have to moan like a porn star?  
Keith: As long as it gets her into Lance’s bed and gets him to stop fucking PINING, I will do  _ANYTHING_.

Hunk: [between both sets of couples staring at the ceiling contemplating murder] … I’m moving to the balmera.

Shiro: [snapping awake in the middle of the night and shaking Keith awake] Keith we  _forgot about Hunk_  
Keith: [suddenly wide awake] oh  _fuck HUNK WE’RE SORRY_!!!  
Hunk: SORRY DOESN’T KEEP ME FROM HEARING IT YOU ASSHOLES!!! AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH PIDGE AND LANCE ON THE OTHER SIDE  
Lance: [through the walls] WE’RE NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING!!!

Hunk: WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE FIVE LANCE I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING!!!  
Pidge: [sighs] I know what he’s thinking too  
Lance: WHY CAN EVERYONE READ MY MIND?!  
Allura: SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO TO SLEEP YOU QUIZNAKERS!!!  
Lotor: I gave up royalty for this.

[And then Keith talks Shiro into having very loud and kinky sex to make up for the Totally Not Sex they were doing to get Pidge out of her room. Just to annoy Lotor. Because Keith  _LIVES_  for pissing of Lotor. And Shiro kinda does too so he doesn’t really argue it.]

Lotor: I know I used to be evil but this seems like a bit much.  
Shiro: It’s all because I have pent up aggression toward your father.  
Lotor: … Proceed.

Keith: [moans like a bitch in heat]  
Lotor: This is my penance.  
Shiro: [groaning loudly and the sound of skin on skin]  
Lotor: I shall endure.  
Keith: [screaming and moaning]  
Lotor: … I give up where are my earplugs.

Lotor: Ya know what I’m just gonna turn myself in to my father, anything is better than this [opens door]  
Coran: [aims gun]  
Lotor: [closes door] no yeah this is fine.

Everyone Else: Its great that they’re taking out their pent up aggression on Lotor but they DO realize we have to listen to them too, don’t they?

Pidge: No they really don't.  
Lance: Wanna sleep in the lions  
Pidge:  _fuck_ yes.  
Hunk  & Allura: Wait up.  
Lotor: Hate you all.  
Pidge: I know a recently vacant moon base, wanna go there?  
Lance: Sounds perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm just screaming this into the void at this point. But, remember that comments are the lifeblood of authors so if you liked this please leave me a comment!
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro comes back and finds a surprise waiting for him in the castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a prequel to the first chapter, or maybe its just set in an alternate universe? Either way, this is me and my bff's response to season 5 
> 
> My texts are on the left, my friend's texts are on the right. The differences in sides have no other significance than that.
> 
> Have fun ;)

I wonder how out of the loop Keith is with what's been happening at the castle

VERY

Since the blade of marmora has the communication skills of season 1 Keith

Basically XD Keiths gonna get back and be like "I LEAVE YOU PEOPLE ALONE FOR ONE SEASON AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS! YOURE ALL IDIOTS!"

Keith: I leave for one month and you let Shiro be replaced with a clone.  
Pidge: Actually evidence suggests he was replaced by a clone while you were leader so technically its your fault.  
Keith: NOT HELPING!!!

Keith: AND IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO ANYBODY TO _LOOK_ FOR SHIRO?! I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF!  
Pidge: Nah, we left it for you since we know you have a 'saving Shiro complex.'

Keith: It's not a complex!  
Lance: [pointing] Look Shiro's in danger.  
Keith: WHERE?!?! ...he's not even here is he.  
Pidge: No, he's in the brigg we  _just_ discussed this.

Keith: That's not even Shiro tho.  
Pidge: YOU'D STILL SAVE HIM DON'T EVEN DENY IT!  
Keith: FUCK EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU.  
Lance: Including Shiro?  
Keith: SHIRO IS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO NEVER GAVE UP ON ME I WOULD LET SHIRO FUCK ME.

Lance: Castle, record what Keith just said. [castle makes an iPhone ding sound] Well, now that we have that sound clip saved forever who wants smoothies at the space mall on Keith?  
Keith: FUCK!

Keith: NO LANCE DELETE THAT!  
Lance: When we find the real Shiro I'm gonna show that to him.  
Keith: NO.  
Lance: YES  
Keith: NO!  
Lance: YES!  
Keith: NOOO!!  
Everyone: WE ARE TIRED OF YOU PINING SO YES!

Lotor: I've known you personally for about ten minutes and even I agree with them.  
Keith: You stay the fuck out of this.  
Lotor: hmm let me think about that--no.  
Lance: We've welcomed Lotor into the Garrison trio, we are now the Royal Garrison Squad.  
Pidge: We're workshopping the name.  
Hunk: I suggested the LoLance Punks.  
Keith: That's pretty good.  
Hunk: Thank you.  
Keith: Delete it.  
Everyone: No.

And then Keith plans to hack the castle and delete it himself but Pidge catches him and they tie him to a chair and put a pretty ribbon in his hair and declare him a gift for Shiro. And then they fly off in their lions to find Shiro, leaving Keith to the tender mercies of Coran while he waits for them to return.

Keith tries to hack the castle and ends up turning on the coffee machine

Keith: How do you make it look so easy?  
Pidge: I'm secretly the daughter of Tony Stark  
Keith: [completely serious] I knew it, Bigfoot was right about you all along.  
Pidge: For both our sakes, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

[Shiro is found by the paladins]  
Shiro: Where's Keith?  
Pidge: He joined the Blades.  
Shiro: He WHAT?!  
Hunk: Your clone ostracized him and he left. Most of the galaxy still thinks he's the Black Paladin tho.  
Shiro: ... WHAT.  
Lance: Oh yeah! We have a present for you when we get back to the castle ;)  
Shiro: I am suddenly very concerned.

Lance: Also Zarkon is dead and Lotor is emperor again.  
Shiro: ...  
Lance: And he's on our side.  
Shiro: Who is Lotor?  
Pidge: Long story, we'll tell you later.

Shiro: [gets back to the castle and finds Keith tied up on his bed with a ribbon around his neck] ... Um.  
Keith: For the record, I had no say in this.  
Shiro: [looks at Lance and deadpans] Is this what you meant when you said you had a gift for me?  
Lance: There's this too! *plays the sound clip of Keith saying he would let Shiro fuck him*  
Shiro: [pupils visibly dilating] ... I need everyone out.  
Everyone: *scatters* have fun!  
Keith: What.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they bang. Keith gets dicked. Its all very tender.
> 
> Please remember to leave a kudos and comment if you enjoyed it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [faced with two Shiros]  
> Keith: One of you is a clone!  
> Pidge: Prepare to die  
> Shiros: *glance at each other* I'm the clone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend and I are pretty sure either Shiro (the current who may or may not be a clone) or Krolia is gonna die in season 6, so in preparation for that torture, we wrote this. Read it and rejoice, for it is pure fluff.
> 
> My texts are on the left, my friend's texts are on the right. The differences in sides have no other significance than that.
> 
> Bon Appetit ;)

Shiro: Look, a Shiro is gonna die today, might as well be the best one.  
Clone: Pretty sure the best Shiro isn't from this TV show...

Lance: Are they... arguing about which one of them is gonna die? Are they arguing to be the one who dies?? IS SHIRO OKAY???  
Keith: [eternally exasperated] At this point, I'm pretty sure Shiro's desire to die is a universal constant. Remember Sven?  
Lance: ... AND YOU'RE  _OKAY_ WITH THIS?! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH KEITH?!?!  
Keith: [flat stare] Of course I'm not okay with it!! I wanna bundle them all up in fuzzy sweaters and cuddles but if I say that aloud it will ruin my image.  
Lance: ...

Pidge: Your image was ruined when you said the word "cuddles."  
Shiro: Oooh Sven he's definitely the best Shiro.  
Clone: He really is.  
Lance: Can we, like, stick them in a cryopod so one of them doesn't go all sudoku on themselves while we're talking?

Keith: "Sudoku"? What does that even  _mean_? Also, NO. Shiro hates cryopods, remember?  
Pidge: [rolls eyes] And there he goes with his Saving Shiro Complex again.  
Keith: IT'S NOT A COMPLEX!  
Hunk: Awwwwwe don't be like that! I think it's sweet that you care so much about your  _boyfriends_ [flutters eyelashes]

Pidge: We could put them all in Lotor's room.  
Lotor: Can we  _please_ nor refer to the prison cell you assigned me as my "room"?  
Lance: Request denied.  
Allura: No one is putting anyone in a cell or cryopod or... whatever "sudoku" is.  
Pidge: It's  _Seppuku_ no sudoku, and it's a ritual suicide to protect one's honor.  
Hunk: Ohh, like Hairy Kerry.  
Lance: Exactly.  
Pidge: Hate.

Keith: NO MORE ARGUING WE'RE PUTTING THE SHIROS IN MY ROOM AND I WILL MONITOR THEM.  
Pidge: You sure you're not just gonna wrap them up in blankets and cuddle with them?  
Keith: [blushing] N-NO!  
Pidge: [raises eyebrow skeptically]  
Keith: [pouting] So what if I am?! At least they won't be trying to-- NO, SHIRO  _PUT THAT DOWN_!!!

Shiros: [wrestling over the black bayard to see who gets to die first]  
Lotor: I have 5 gak on the clone. I like his moxy.  
Coran: I got 20 on the real deal.  
Keith: STOP BETTING ON THEM.  
Coran: Sorry, force of habit.  
Paladins: [dog pile on the Shiros]

Keith: [bodily pinning Shiro to the floor] Hunk, you're the biggest, you get the clone. Drag him to my room if you have to. Everybody else needs to Shiro-proof the castle! And somebody should probably do my room too... I keep my knife collection in there.  
Allura: Knife...?  
Lance: ...collection?  
Pidge: He has about 200 knives for all purposes, last I checked.  
Keith: It's 362, now.  
Lance: :O  
Allura: o.O

Lance: Why did you ever even use the bayard?  
Keith: Mostly because Allura gave it to me and I didn't have the social skills to decline it.  
Pidge: [exasperated] We are the universe's only hope...  
Lance: Next robeast we fight let's just dump Keith's knife collection on.

Keith: Don't you dare! ALSO, a lot of those knives are sacred ornamental pieces from hundreds of different cultures! I would  _never_ use them in combat.  
Lance: Are they sharp?  
Keith: Of course they're sharp!  
Lance: Then, just stick em with the pointy end!  
Keith: [gasps and puts his hand on his chest in mock offense] HOW DARE YOU!  
Pidge: BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND! Since I am the one most familiar with Keith's room, I'll clear it. The rest of you numbskulls are doing the castle. And Keith... Keith is obviously on Shiro-duty. [gestures to the koala grip Keith has on Shiro, who looks surprisingly content with the situation]

Lance: Why do you know Keith's room best?  
Pidge: Because I know everything.  
Lance: Oh yeah what's the capital of Pittsburg?  
Pidge: ...You're an idiot.  
Lotor: I'll do Keith's room.  
Everyone: NO!  
Lotor: Goodness, its almost like you don't trust me with a room full of deadly weapons.  
Lance: I wouldn't trust you with a dull soup spoon.  
Hunk: Let's not bring up food, holding Shiro is hard enough without being hungry.  
Allura: [to herself] Would the Blade of Marmora help or hinder this situation? ...Probably both.

Keith: I don't want my mother within 200 feet of ANY Shiro, so we're leaving the Blade  _out_. And can we get a move on so me and Hunk can stop wrestling with Shiro on the floor??  
Lance: In what way is  _any_ of what you are currently doing considered  _wrestling_??  
Hunk: Hey, I'm wrestling!  
Keith: [glaring] Just do your job.

Lance: We could call the rebels instead.  
Pidge: Now that there's two Shiros, you and my brother won't have to be love rivals anymore.  
Keith: Damn, he was a good rival.  
Lance: OH, SO YOU ACCEPT HIM AS A RIVAL!!! [storms off]  
Keith: Did I say something wrong?  
Allura: Oh, honey.

[after several hours of shenanigans they finally manage to Shiro-proof the castle, Pidge having joined them after she finished Keith's room]  
Lance: So I know Keith's with the Shiros, but where's Hunk?  
Pidge: Keith asked him to make food.  
Lotor: I like Hunk's food.  
Pidge: Pretty sure he's just feeding Keith and the Shiros.  
Lance: [sulking] sounds like a bad band name.

Pidge: Don't worry, Lance, our band name will always be the best.  
Hunk: [from the kitchen] GARRISON TRIO 5LIFE!!!

[meanwhile, in Keith's room]  
Shiro: Just one knife.  
Keith: No.  
Clone: A butter knife?  
Keith: No.  
Shiro: What about my arm? I can't move it when its deactivated like this.  
Keith: Do you need to be able to move your arm to cuddle with your boyfriend?  
Shiro: [pouting] No... but--!  
Keith: Then, shhhhhh.  
Clone: I want to cuddle with a boyfriend too...  
Keith: I won't be your boyfriend, but get your ass down here anyways. There's plenty of me to go around and this pillow nest is big enough for four of you.  
Shiro: [whispering to the clone] If another one shows up, I vote we kill it.  
Clone: I thought you wanted to die?  
Shiro: I love Keith more than I want to die.  
Clone: Awe how sweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're planning to write another chapter after Season 6 which'll probably just be us screaming but it should be fun.
> 
> Remember to leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 6 made Sheith canon so they get married in the most extra way possible. Pirates of the Caribbean Style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I had someone comment on the last chapter that Sheith is dead (their comments have since been deleted. I don't tolerate that sort of shit in my comments) because of the "you're my brother" line, my friend and I decided to retaliate in the most extra way possible nwn 
> 
> If anyone leaves a comment on this story that Sheith is dead, they will be deleted. I ask that you be respectful of me and my preferences, and not try to shut me down over things you don't understand. Sheith is canon. A ship doesn't have to be romantic to sail, and the canon Sheith ship is a beautiful vessel of romantic and platonic love. SO STOP TRYING TO BLOW HOLES IN MY SHIP.
> 
> Thank you and have a nice day.

[in the middle of battle]  
Shiro: I love you, Keith. I've made my choice, what's yours?  
Keith: ...Lotor! [looks across battlefield] Marry us!  
Lotor: [blocking attack from Sendak] I'M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT!!!

Shiro: Just do it!  
Lotor: Ugh! [kicks Sendak away and leaps up on top of a fallen ship] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two souls in holy- [blocks shots from robot drones and throws his sword into one] -matrimony! [is grabbed by Sendak and pulled away] Ruggle!  
Hunk: [jumps in] Uh, if the couple has written any vows they can scream them at each other now!

Keith: Shiro! You're my brother and I love you!  
Shiro: [tears in his eyes] I love you too, baby. Thanks for always saving me.  
Keith: [openly crying and smiling through the tears] As many times as it takes.

Hunk: Super. [grabbed by a galra soldier] Oh quiznak!  
Lance: If anyone objects to this union speak now or forever shut the quiznak up.  
Haggar: [drops in] I OBJECT! [fires magic lightning blast]  
Allura: [jumps in the way and reflects it back at her] Over my dead body, you slut! Sorry Lotor.  
Lotor: No she is.

Pidge: If the couple has rings exchange them now!  
[the black bayard turns into two rings for them]  
Pidge: You may ki- [is knocked away]  
Lance: You may kiss- [is shot at]  
Hunk: You may- [is grabbed by Sendak]  
Lotor: JUST KISS ALREADY!!

[Keith grabs Shiro and dips him]  
[Shiro pretends to swoon]  
[they both giggle and then make out like horny schoolboys]  
[everybody cheers]  
Coran: [wiping tears from his eyes] I'm so proud.

Ezor: Awww look, they're kissing, Acxa!  
Acxa: Good for them.  
Ezor: Can I have a kiss? [bats eyelashes]  
Acxa: Ugh, fine. [kisses her cheek]  
Ezor: [clearly disappointed] I wanted a better kiss than that.

Acxa: WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE!  
Ezor: [gesturing to Keith and Shiro, who are still tongue tangled] They're doing it!  
Acxa: [gesturing to Hunk, Lance, Pidge, Allura, Coran, and Lotor who are surrounding them fending off enemies] They've got the protection squad.

Ezor: We need more friends.  
Acxa: I need new friends in general.  
Zethrid: We  _are_ the generals.  
Acxa: I'm joining Team Voltron.

Lance: Are you guys gonna kiss all day, or are you gonna help us kick ass?  
Keith: [pulling away from Shiro just enough to shout at Lance] WE JUST GOT MARRIED AFTER I HAD A BRUTAL FIGHT WITH HIS CLONE AND PULLED HIS SPIRIT OUT OF THE ASTRAL PLANE CUT US SOME SLACK.  
Lance: YOU'VE BEEN MAKING OUT FOR TEN MINUTES THAT'S PLENTY OF SLACK!!  
Keith: [flips Lance off as he dives back in to kiss a laughing Shiro again]  
Lance: FUCK YOU TOO!  
Keith: THAT'S THE GOAL!

Pidge: Hey, hey, Lance belongs to the ladies.  
Allura: You have your own boy toy, leave ours out of it!

Keith: I MEANT SHIRO YOU DUMBASSES ITS THE GOAL TO FUCK SHIRO.  
Shiro: [blushing bright red] Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this here.  
Keith: [completely serious] We have to consummate our marriage, why not do it now?  
Shiro: Oh god...  
Pidge: OHMYGOD WHY AM I HEARING THIS.  
Hunk: GET A ROOM!  
Lance: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!!  
Ezor: [sitting back eating popcorn and wearing 3D glasses]  _I_ wanna see that.  
Acxa: [smacks Ezor upside the head]  
Ezor: OW! What?? THEY'RE HOT!

Keith: There's a solution for all of this. [whistles and the Black Lion scoops them up and flies off]  
Ezor: Aww I wanted to watch.  
Allura: You had better not be having sex in one of  _my_ lions.  
Pidge: Ew, don't bang in the black one, Zarkon used to sit in there. You'll get space aids.  
Lotor: Its true, you will.

Enemies: They're not even taking us seriously, are they...  
Allura: [cheerfully] No we are not :)

Paladins: [escape in a rainbow blaze of glory in their lions]  
Ezor: Now where am I supposed to find two hotties to watch make out... Acxa make out with Zethrid for my amusement.  
Acxa: They'll never find your body.  
Ezor: Meany.

[Keith and Shiro in the Black Lion on autopilot with Can You Feel the Love playing in the background]   
[a communications comes through from the Blue Lion and Keith opens audio feed]  
Allura: YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE HAVING SEX IN THERE.  
[Keith and Shiro glance at each other]  
Keith: ...Okay  
[Keith is straddling Shiro's lap, they're both naked, there's a brand new necklace of hickies on both of them]  
[they're definitely having sex]  
Shiro: [moans as Keith rocks down on his lap]  
Allura: ...You're definitely having sex in there.  
Keith: [grinning unapologetically] Sorry.  
Lance: NO YOU'RE NOT GET OFF THE COMMUNICATION WE DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.

Pidge: I'm five seconds from shooting you out of the air myself.  
Coran: Very unprofessional.  
Allura: They're my lions! I'm the only one allowed to bang in them!  
Hunk: I'm just gonna leave. I'll be at the Balmera, trying to get those sounds out of my head.

[Yellow Lion blasts off in the direction of Balmera]  
Lance: He's probably off to have sex with his own girlfriend.  
Allura: As long as they don't do it in the lion, I DON'T CARE.  
Lance: [quietly] I wanna have sex in a lion too...

Allura: [whispers] Maybe on your birthday.  
Lance: You say something, Princess?  
Allura: Shoot Keith.  
Lance: Gladly.  
Pidge: ...I wonder what Matt's doing right now... probably math.

Shiro: Uh... why is Lance aiming his laser cannon at us?  
Keith: [resigned] Cos he's a lil bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a continuation in the works, so keep an eye out for it :) 
> 
> Remember to leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it! (And kindly fuck off if you have anything negative to say nwn)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Acxa: Keith, will you go out with me?  
> Keith: I’m gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Finally XD my friend and I have both been so busy with work and everything, so we haven't really had time to write. But then (as it usually begins) my friend sent me a funny picture and it derailed from there.
> 
> My texts are on the left, my friend's texts are on the right. The differences in sides have no other significance than that.
> 
> Enjoy! ;p

Acxa: Keith, will you go out with me?  
Keith: I’m gay.  
Acxa: Yeah? Me too?  
Keith: Then why are you asking me out?  
Acxa: Cos we’re both lesbians?  
Keith: oh.  
Acxa:  
Keith, a gay man: Wait, what.

Keith: SHIRO HELP ME I DON’T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THAT I AM NOT A LESBIAN  
Lance: OMG WHAT  
Shiro: Keith, it’s really simple. Just tell her that you are not a woman.  
Keith: HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN HOW DID SHE MISTAKE ME FOR A WOMAN?!  
Shiro: Well you _are_ very pretty.

Acxa: I am suddenly very confused. Are you not a lesbian? Didn’t you just say you were?  
Keith: HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!  
Lance: ROFLSDHIDMSALMT  
Shiro: [facepalm] Sorry, Acxa, I’m afraid there’s been a misunderstanding. Keith can’t be a lesbian because he’s not a woman, he’s a man and he likes other men.  
Keith: I LIKE SHIRO

Bob: [somewhere in the universe] And that’s when I said—[instead of his normal laugh track it plays Lance laughing] what the? That’s not my laugh track.

Lotor: [in the quintessence field] Man, drifting for eternity in life giving energy is kinda boring. [Lance’s laughter echoes by him] What the actual quiznak?

Zarkon: [playing poker with Alfor in the astral plane] I’ve got you this time.  
Alfor: We’ll see.  
Zarkon: Three of a kind.  
Alfor: Full house.  
Zarkon: Why you—[Lance’s laughter sweeps through the astral plane] Is that the dumb one?  
Alfor: He’s not that dumb.

Keith: Lance, you can stop laughing now.  
Lance: No I can’t. I’m gonna laugh at you about this FOREVER.  
Shiro: … did Keith just say he likes me?  
Allura: Oh, honey. Everybody and their _mother_ knows Keith likes you.  
Pidge: Except Acxa, apparently.

Acxa: …which one is Shiro?

Shiro: I’m Shiro.  
Acxa: Damn, I was hoping it was the blue one. I could beat him in a fight and claim Keith as the prize.  
Allura: And here I was just thinking how you were the least galra of Lotor’s generals.  
Lance: [still laughing] I’m not even mad she could totally take me.

Acxa: Why would you even like someone with so many muscles?  
Pidge: Pretty sure Keith likes it because Shiro could crush him like a grape with his thighs.  
Keith: Actually, it’s because I have a size kink and Shiro’s biceps alone are as big around as my head.  
Shiro: [red as a tomato and choking on air]  
Lance: [rolling on the floor laughing so hard he cries]  
Acxa: …

Acxa: Isn’t there a bit of an age gap? I was led to believe you humans only get grey hair when elderly.  
Shiro: Oh no, this is from stress.  
Lance: Don’t ask what he’s stressed about I made that mistake once.  
Keith: [thinking] …actually the grape crushing thing is kinda hot too…  
Allura: Keith, honey, we’re getting off the topic. If we keep going like this Lance is gonna suffocate and I’ll have to bring him back to life again.  
Keith: AGAIN?!

Keith: When did he die in the first place?? Why haven’t I heard about this???  
Allura: Because it was less important than other things at the time.  
Shiro: You people are the reason my hair went white.  
Keith: Don’t be dramatic, your hair went white because of quintessence exposure.  
Shiro: Shhh, they don’t know that.  
Lance: [still laughing] I’M DYING!!!!

Hunk: Alright we need to do something to stop Lance from laughing.  
Pidge: Good luck, he laughs if you say elephant too many times.  
Lance: It’s a funny word.  
Shiro: Any ideas?  
Acxa: I could read him my poetry.  
Keith: Wait, you wrote a poem for me?  
Acxa: No, it’s just a hobby [hands Lance a paper]  
Lance: [reading] … [stops laughing, walks to a corner and sits in depression]  
Keith: The quiznak?  
Pidge: _How_?  
Acxa: I used to use them to calm Ezor down when she got too hyper.  
Hunk: … _weird_

Allura: [picks up the paper and reads it] … [joins Lance in the corner]  
Keith: What the quiznack.  
Shiro: What did you _write_?  
Acxa: [takes the paper back and holds it out to him] Do you really want to know?  
Shiro: On second thought… no, not really.

Coran: Should we help them?  
Acxa: It wears off in half a dobash.  
Pidge: Is there any way to speed up the process?  
Acxa: Not that would be appropriate with this many people around.  
Everyone: ….. [lightbulb] _oh_

Keith: And that is far more than I ever wanted to know about your relationship with Ezor.  
Shiro: …oh my god…  
Acxa: Are you sure you don’t want to read it?  
Keith: DON’T INTERFERE WITH MY LOVE LIFE WE’LL GET THERE ON OUR OWN WITHOUT YOUR MEDDLING!  
Acxa: Who said I wanted to help?

Shiro: Wait, where’s Pidge?  
Hunk: The poem’s gone too.  
Acxa: Uh oh.  
Pidge: [voice comes over the intercoms] ahem… depression bomb [insert saddest most soul crushing series of words ever created]  
Everyone: [collapses on the floor depressed]  
Acxa: [immune] pathetic  
Coran: [also fine] I know right  
Acxa: Wait, why are you still up?  
Coran: I plugged my ears.  
Acxa: oh… huh.

Shiro: [also unaffected] well… that was unexpected.  
Acxa: Did you plug your ears too?  
Shiro: No, I’m just so soul crushingly depressed already that I’ve learned how to cope.  
Acxa: Impressive.  
Shiro: Thanks. [picks Keith up bridal style] I’m gonna go fix this one now and have a talk. Good luck with the rest of them.  
Keith: [whimpers] how do you _live_ like this?

Shiro: Well, dying helped.  
Keith: Then why is Lance still affected?  
Shiro: Cause he’s a pansy.  
Lance: [crying in Allura’s arms] It’s truuuuuuuue ahhhhhh

Acxa: [standing surrounded by a bunch of depressed paladins after having been rejected by her crush who was not what she expected] None of today has gone how I expected.  
Shiro: How did you expect it to go?  
Acxa: I expected to sweep Keith off his feet and take him away with me.  
Keith: [whimpering] _noooooo_ , Shiro don’t _leave meeeee_

Coran: You can sweep Hunk off his feet. Romelle can’t lift him.  
Romelle: [crying and trying to move Hunk] He’s so soft and big!

Acxa: Hunk is as big as Shiro. I’m pretty sure I already established I don’t find that attractive.  
Shiro: [walking away with Keith still cradled in his arms] Well, then you’re shit outta luck! [kicks door at the end of the hall open, then kicks it shut behind them]  
Coran: So how, exactly, do we return them to normal?

Acxa: They’ll be fine in a while.  
Pidge and Allura: [dragging Lance into an empty room]  
Acxa: They might be fine sooner.  
Hunk and Romelle: [crying on the floor in a puddle of tears]  
Acxa: …they might take longer.

Coran: [slyly] and Shiro and Keith?  
Acxa: [disgusted] they’ll take the least time, but I doubt we’ll see either of them any time soon.  
Krolia: [walking through the door that Shiro and Keith recently went through] Can someone please explain to me why I just walked past my son and future son crying and making out in the middle of the hallway for anyone to see?

Coran: Galran poetry.  
Acxa: Ahem.  
Coran: Oh, sorry. Galran _lesbian_ poetry.  
Krolia: Yeah, that’ll do it. Just like his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> July made me think maybe I was cured of Trash Lord Syndrome, but thank god this chapter proved me wrong~! I'M STILL THE TRASH KING MOTHERFUCKERS!
> 
> Remember to leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed! We'll be back!


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